I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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