i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
