I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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