That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
