i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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