When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
