if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
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I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
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And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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