Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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