Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
