Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
