i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
