Can i not drive my cunt home
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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