Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
