you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
