And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
