You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
