FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
