So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
