i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
