I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
