Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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