Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
