dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
