So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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