dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
