she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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