Im at strip club and am horny
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
