Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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