Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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