dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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