All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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