is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
