You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
