fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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