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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
