I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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