he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
