Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
