Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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