I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
we should paint friendship bongs
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
