So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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