oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
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Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
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I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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