hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
