I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
