Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
