now i know why i became what i already was.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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