I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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