and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
