i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
