If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
