Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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