Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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