Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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