You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
