Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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