can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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