Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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